Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
