sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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