I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
