you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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