You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
