I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
