I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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