i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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