Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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