So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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