Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
