Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
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