there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
