Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
