My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
