I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
