mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Randomize
