Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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