vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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