The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
