Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
