I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
