I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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