Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
