whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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