i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
