Can i not drive my cunt home
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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