I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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