i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
