Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Green mimosas i think yes
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
