I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
