After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
