just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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