I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
