Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
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