yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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