Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
