go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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