Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
