I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
