I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Those nachos came to me in a dream
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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