I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
