Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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