and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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