sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
