Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
