God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
