I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
