I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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