I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
